Why Self-Help Books Don’t Work…and What Does
Change happens when you’re realistic about how change happens
I recently read a self-help book based on original research by a well-known PhD author. In it, she used the insights from her research to explain how we go off-course in our lives, and what to do to correct those problems and make our lives better.
What a wonderful book! I thought. Once I make these changes, my life will be much better.
I only made some of the changes she recommended. The others were too hard.
Days passed. I had trouble even with the changes I started.
This isn’t working, I thought. So I just gave up.
Sound familiar?
Self-help books, explained
If a self-help book were a blueprint for getting the human race to Mars, it would read like this:
- Build a spaceship.
- Put people in it.
- Fly to Mars.
- You did it — you’re on Mars!
What? You can’t get to Mars on that? Well, there must be something wrong with you.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with you. What’s wrong is with that self-help book you’re reading. It’s written as if “build a spaceship” were a single step.
It’s not.
Building a spaceship takes millions of hours, billions of dollars, and the cooperation of many, many people.
“Build a spaceship and fly to Mars” is not a blueprint for success in any way. Flying to Mars involves a lot more steps, and a lot of work.
It’s the same with “Change X, and your life will be much better.” Changing X always involves more steps and a lot of work.
But, you say, people do change their lives. So how is it done?
What you need to know about change
I have spent over 40 years making fundamental changes in my life. Also, I have spent almost a decade working with people who were trying to make changes in their lives. Here is what I know:
Change is hard.
That’s the bad news. Here’s the good news:
You can change your life — if you have the right attitude toward change.
“How to change” is too big a subject to cover here, and there’s no answer that works for everybody. (As I have said before, “People are different…so the answer depends.”) However, the following points will greatly increase your chances of success:
People change over time, not all at once. Significant, lasting change takes months to occur, often years. It is the result of multiple small improvements. So don’t commit yourself to some grandiose program of comprehensive, sweeping change — they always end badly.
Improvements happen unevenly. Improving your life is not like flipping a light switch. It’s more like the beach slowly disappearing under an incoming tide.
But even this analogy is not perfect. Improvements don’t happen in a straight-line, always-moving-up way. You will have setbacks, and you may have periods when nothing changes.
You’ll get better results if your goals are concrete and measurable. “I want to be happier” is not a goal — it’s what you want your life to look like at the end. An example of a concrete, measurable goal is “I want to do an activity with at least three friends each weekend for the next month.”
Know that you will have to try more than once. Life is complicated, and the universe is not known for giving you what you want. When you try something and it doesn’t work out, remind yourself that such negative experiences are merely one step on the road that leads to success.
Also, you will get there faster if you take the time to learn from them.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. If you feel you can’t change, or if you’re trying to change and you feel stuck, consider seeing a therapist. (Ignore any thoughts that seeking therapy is a sign of weakness. Therapy — like going to the gym regularly — is for people who want to be stronger.)
For some suggestions on how to get started with a therapist, see my “What is Therapy? FAQ.”
Will you devote 15 minutes a month to increase your ability to change?
This is not an exaggerated claim. I discovered this technique, it is based on sound psychological principles, and I stake my reputation as a therapist on it.
Interested? Then read “How A Tiny Habit Can Stop You From Feeling Stuck.”
This technique is the first step in a comprehensive program called “Making Change Doable,” which I also stand behind. To find out more, read “How to Grow Your Life, Starting from Zero.”
